My post a few days ago was about how the church is like a family in many ways. We know from past experience in the church, as well as studies in family systems theory, that the best leaders are generally the ones who have healthy family relationships. Bowen, the founder of family systems theory found that the therapists he was training who took the ideas "home" with them made superior professional progress over their peers who did not (Bowen. Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, p. 533.)
We all have automatic behaviors and patterns that stem from our childhood. They are usually counterproductive and get triggered from time to time. The best place to work on them is at home with the people we live with. Home is our primary emotional field and it can be an extremely effective place to deal with "our stuff." If we have immature ways of relating from time to time a spouse will tell us and children will draw it out of us.
The goal is to become relationally healthy and not dump negative emotional energy in the family unit. As we succeed in this area there is really a twofold benefit. One family life becomes more healthier and satisfying, and two, we carry less emotional baggage around with us to unpack in others relationships like church and work.
The leader who is succeeding relationally at home is generally more accessible, emotionally balanced, and less reactive at church. If leadership relationships improve there will be less anxiety in the congregation and they will model relational/emotional health for others to see. Maybe this is what Paul had in mind when laying out the prerequisites for church leaders in First Timothy 3. He said, a leader must be "gentle and not quarrelsome; one who rules his children and own house well" (verses 2, 3-4, 12).
Please pray for our leaders in this area. Ask God to give our Nominating Committee discernment and wisdom as they appoint leaders each year. Because as it is at home ... so shall it be at church!
Thanks for stopping by!
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Adrian
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Hmmm...I see the family relationship at home and at church working in tandem. Just as leaders must have good family relationships or least manage them in a healthy manner, I think people can learn a lot from a healthy church that can be then be incorporated into their family relationships. However, it is good for leaders to have already done a good deal of this work before being appointed leaders, but I find that the learning and growth in this area is ongoing.
ReplyDeletePat,
ReplyDeletehow much consideration should be given to family relationships to be an elder, pastor or a member of the spiritual life commission? Do you think there is a biblical prescident?
I think a fair amount of attention should be given to any leader's family relationships. After all, if you're leading God's flock, we need to know that the person can withstand a certain amount of pressure and where else better to look at how one handles pressure than in family situations. While we don't see in scripture any of the leaders being asked how their family relationships were, we do know that God is very concerned with how we treat others. That in mind would extend to one's family. But we also see God choosing very flawed (by our standards) people for leadership. So, while we need to be concerned with family relations we also need to look at one's character and potential. In other words, we need to see people through Jesus' eyes.
ReplyDeletePat,
ReplyDeleteSo what then are the lens Christ views us through?
My, we're full of questions today!
ReplyDeleteI think Christ looks through the lens of unconditional love. He sees us as His creation and loves us warts and all. Unlike people, He sees us not only as we are but what we can be. He also looks at the heart and while others may see us one way, God sees the heart. While we can't see another person's heart, can we rely on Jesus to give us the compassion and grace to see others as His creation with potential to be oh so much more with God's help? Or will we strictly judge people on the basis of our own flawed perceptions, prejudices, etc? Flawed people judging flawed people will never work without the transforming power of Christ.