Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Relationship # 4

"Self management puts us in a position to choose how to use the thoughts and feeling constantly swirling within us rather than to be used by them" (Sellon & Smith. Practicing Right Relationship, page 31).

During times of conflict most people choose to not take responsibility for self. In our Life Training Workshop we teach the 100% rule: "You are 100% responsible for your thoughts, words, and actions - 100% of the time." We also say "that if you cannot maintain peace and calm around the woundedness, brokenness, mistakes and preferences of others then you have a problem that must be addressed by the Lord Jesus." The scriptural basis for this is James 4:1, "Where do quarrels and fights come from? Do they not come from the things that war and rage within you?"

Conflict always occurs when we see the other person as the problem. Dr. Terry Wise, the chair of my dissertation committee said once that "conflict is like two cars trying to occupy the same parking space at the same time." When we view the differences, preferences, opinions or needs of others as an attempt to occupy "our space" then the sparks of conflict begin to fly. Before long we then begin labeling people as instigators, malcontents, troublemaker, nonspiritual and sometimes even sinners.

It's virtually impossible to solve problems and resolve issues when people act in this manner. The best place to begin is by holding a mirror up to ourselves and examining our attitudes, thoughts and actions. Then we should ask God, "I'm pretty stirred up in this moment. It there something You want to tell me or show me about myself?"

Keep in mind we are all part of an emotional system that is uniquely interconnected with others... whether we are talking about a marriage, family unit, work or our church. The way to influence "our" system is to change self because no matter how hard we try we cannot change another person. We can only contribute good and positively influence the systems of our lives by maintaining our peace and calm, talking to people and not about them, and by inviting God to lead the process of self examination.

A little self management can go a long way to promoting peace and calm. The next time someone attempts to "get into your space" so-to-speak, assess what's happening, ask God to review your heart/motives; define what role you have played and how to modify that role so that it brings about a better relationship and is solution focused. Thanks for stopping by!
------
Adrian

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